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Sunday, January 25, 2009

The Imperfect Mother

The other day Thomas was out of sorts and informed me I was ruining his life because I wouldn't let me watch TV before school or play his DS or Wii during the week. I showed him no sympathy which lead to an overflow of complaining and whining. Meanwhile Jack was pulling at my leg begging me to fill up his sippy cup for the hundredth time that day and Kate was shouting "mom I need a pencil" as fast as she could from the kitchen table. I was somehow able to ignored Kate and Jack but Thomas' persistence managed to tear right through the little patients I had left and just like that an unkind word flew from my mouth and with fury blazing in my eyes I sent Thomas to his room crying. I hurried and got Kate a pencil from the drawer and gave Jack what he didn't need, only desired; another sippy cup full of milk. In that moment I was once again reminded I'm not anywhere near being a perfect mother.
Before having kids I swore I would not have whinny, demanding or impatient kids. I was going to handle every situation calmly and with the up most control. But the reality is; I have whinny, demanding and impatient kids far more often then I'd like to admit. And the only thing in control is their naughty behaviors.
I went to bed like I do many nights laden with a heavy dose of the 'should haves'. I should have been more patient, I should have just given in, I should have told him no, I should have said this or that and so on. Just when it seemed like I was going to drown in the pool of mothers guilt, perspective came to my rescue. I dried off my guilt and remembered that I am an imperfect person therefore I can not possibly get it right all of the time and even greater I realized that my imperfect mothering was a good, possibly even a great thing for my kids. I am good enough because I love and care for my children, but being the imperfect person that I am means I can't possibly satisfy every need and handle every situation perfectly. Perhaps even more important is that while my children wish for quicker service or a more delightful answer, it's the ordinary failures, the unpleasant answers that are perhaps preparing my children to be responsible, self reliant, caring and forgiving human beings. It is during these imperfect moments that I am motivating them to get what they need for themselves while teaching them to tolerate frustration and disappointment and ultimately to forgive others when they fall short.
The next morning I asked Thomas if he would forgive me for losing my patients with him the day before. He answered quickly by saying, "sure, I love you too mom." And that was it, short but full of love. It was in this sweet exchange that I realized I need to forgive myself more and perhaps it's in the moments of imperfection that we become perfect.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Pillow Talk

I found these pillows online and thought, now there's a good solution. Let the pillow do the talking. No complicated explanations, no build up, no let down or drama, just a simple yes or no. Wouldn't it be nice if it was that easy. Although, you better hope most nights you both have your pillows switched to the same side or an unexpected pillow fight might break out.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Unbalanced Motivation

I've wondering lately why it is that some areas of my life are supplied with ample motivation while others contain a mere drop. I know you can't compare all things. For instance, I get no high from cleaning the bathroom like I do from running and so it explains why I have more motivation to run because... well, it makes me feel good. I suppose I could use stronger cleaning agents to achieve a similar high, but really, why is it that I can drag myself out of bed and run for 8 miles but I can't even slowly creep toward achieving other goals or dreams. It's like I'm waiting for the right moment (which will never come) and hoping in that moment all my talents will be developed and then bang... magic will ensue. I have 3 children and with each child I have gained 40 pounds! And it hasn't been easy to loose that last 20 pounds, but somehow with each one I got back on the train and did what was necessary to lose the weight and stay fit. I was patient, for the most part, with myself when it came to loosing my weight. Why then can't I look at my other hopes, dreams and aspirations the same way? Is it because I know it may be long and at times a difficult process? Well maybe a little but, I think the greater reason has to do with the F word. Not that word silly, the other F word. FEAR. I know I have it in me to sweat it out just like I have in other area of my life but I will confess I don't want to fail. And I've let that fear of failing completely paralyze me from making any kind of movement. Newton's first law of motions states that an object in rest will remain in rest unless acted upon. Yes, I know that nothing will change unless I act.

OK so although I don't believe in making resolutions because I believe resolutions are a set up for failure, I do want this year to be about moving forward with at least some degree of speed toward something anything really and just see what happens.

I don't have many regrets up to this point and I certainly don't want to start now just because I let the F word creep into my life.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Run For Your Life

This past weekend I ran the Southern California 1/2 marathon with my peep Jill. We both felt a bit unprepared going into the race. I had taken a 3 week hiatus from running. Part of the time I was in Utah and I wasn't about to run in that freezing cold weather and as for the other days, I was either sick or busy. But I had already signed up, payed my cash and I have this at times annoying flaw in my personality with regards to saying no or backing out of something so I was going to run it prepared or not. Jill also succummed to her own personal pressures (and maybe some of mine) and on Saturday morning we awoke bright and early and drove up to Irvine. To start off the day right we had my version of the breakfast of champions. Cold macaroni and a serious zap of caffeine. Yummy.

After a quick photo and a very important stop at the porta potty we were off. It was beautiful day and there was a cool refreshing breeze in the air. Ahaaa, just another perfect day, in the middle of January might I add. I couldn't help but think of my sister who lives in Minnesota and who was probably freezing her buns off. It was a perfect day to run and running on a smooth flat road opposed to a steep horse trail was a nice change. I was glad to have my ipod since Jill and I separated at mile 2 and never saw each other again until the end. I surprisingly felt great until mile 12 where my legs got a little tight. I was very relieved that this was only a half marathon and not the real deal. And with Beyonces' Single Ladies bringing me home I happily finished in just under 2 hours.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I'm A Lucky Girl

I'm slightly embarrassed to admit that I only knew of Tara Whitney a few months prior to going to Thailand. (I was the last minute fill in.) But it didn't take long, only seconds really after meeting her to realize why she has a huge following of friends, clients and wannabes. Just looking at her website makes me happy. Moments after meeting her I knew why she was so loved by so many. She gives the warmest most cozy hugs and when she looks you in the eye she goes straight to the soul. I love that!
Part of the trip included a photo shoot with her, which was really reason enough to throw myself on the floor, beg a little and convince Chris I must go on this trip, but out of it came so much more. And can I just say my expectations, which were high, (refer to her website) about the photo shoot were meet and then some. Yes her photos are great, but the time spent with her is what I will cherish the most. I have never in my life felt more real, alive and beautiful thanks to Tara. During the shoot I never once thought about how I looked. Quite frankly I didn't really care. I was being photographed in my bathing suit for goodness sake. I just throw up my arms and felt the power of the moment. It was magical. Check me and all of my other new friends out on Tara's blog.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Snow Much Fun

While in Utah for Chirstmas it snowed..a lot. And I have to say it was a nice contrast to our weather here in Carlsbad. Here are some of my favorite pics of our fun in the snow.